landslide

well i've been afraid of changing 'cause i've built my life around you.. but time makes you bolder children get older and i'm getting older, too..

i'm writing this from a very changed state of mind, a much different perspective on life, one i've never experienced before. there's been a destructive something that's contaminated my life for the last 7, almost 8 years. something i never thought i'd ever part from. a disorder of sorts. i grew up with it. it's all i've known. it became a part of who i am. until now. my world has been shaken, flipped upside down. and in the best way possible. i found out that my husband and i are having a baby, and we couldn't be more excited. watching this week's episode of glee brought up something that i haven't faced for a while, especially since we found out. something i think i've been running from. and that is the hard reality that i must part with that hidden side of me. i'm honestly somewhat mixed on the whole thing. which seems masochistic, contradictory and selfish. but it's not just giving up the vanity of it, it's permanently saying goodbye to a twin of sorts, a piece of you. a piece that once felt like a vital organ. and it feels to me that i'm not just saying goodbye, i'm having to put it to rest, to sleep, to death. the finality of saying goodbye to something that's been such a deep and intricate part of who i am today is unsettling. i'm not trying to defend the hidden by any means, just trying to shed some light from this perspective, since mine seems to be constantly shifting. i've been terrified of ending this relationship because i didn't know who i was without it. i felt i was no one without it. that i couldn't survive without it. that fear is still there, i'm about to find out what it's like without it and i can't stop shaking. both from fear and anticipation. because i can't stand the thought of having something so destructive a part of my family. the landslide is coming. it's shaking everything, bringing me down. but not really me, just this guard i've had around it, keeping it protected. and it's time to shed this excess weight and move on to the sunshine, i'm getting out of this blizzard.. i can't write anymore as i'm afraid the tears will ruin my keyboard.. but please listen to the video, it's fitting.